Love Loss and Healing

  I write often in a journal because writing is very healing for me.  I can get out and organize feelings and thoughts that were once jumbled in my mind.  I recently had an experience in my life that is very personal, but I feel that writing about it so others can read may help someone out there who has or may have this experience. 
  I lost a baby, or had a miscarriage.  I feel like writing those words is wrong, but I guess there is no other way to say it.  I didn't "loose" the baby, and I didn't carry the baby wrong, those phrases just don't make sense to me.  But like I said there is really no other way to say it kindly. 
  I found out I was pregnant the day before my birthday, I was so excited.   I was eating healthy, doing yoga, and feeling great.  I figured since I was eating way better compared to my pre-pregnancy with Elizabeth that things would be really different concerning my morning sickness.  As a background on my pregnancy with Elizabeth, everything went perfectly, except for during the whole pregnancy I could not keep down food without a prescription drug.  I have always been the type that likes to do things the natural way, I hate taking pills, even if it is just Tylenol.  I know that most the time there is something I can do differently, but with Elizabeth nothing would work but the pills.... and I had to eat and keep down fluids.  Anyway, this time I was sure things would be different.  At what I though was my 8th week of pregnancy it hit.  I was at church and could smell everyone's perfume from a mile away, and they all made me feel like vomiting, though I didn't that first day.  As the days progressed I couldn't keep anything down, any fluid including water sounded disgusting.  I fell into a deep depression out of nowhere.  Memories of being sick while pregnant with Elizabeth came to the surface and I could not imagine going through 9 months of it again.  I was so sick I could hardly get off of the couch, I couldn't go to the store or to the gym or even outside hardly.  And, for the record, I am not a homebody.  I really hate being cooped up in a house all day long.  I need to see tree's and sunshine, plus the wintertime clouds coming through the windows everyday didn't help much.  So I called my naturopath.  She hooked me up with some things that helped but didn't get it all the way.  I then made an appointment with my midwife.  The day of the appointment I went in to get a prescription for zofran (anti-nausea) and to make sure everything was going well with our new baby.  I lay on the table and we searched for the baby's heartbeat.... and kept searching... I'm waiting... Starting to worry.  Then we decided to do a quick ultrasound, she could not find anything.  An appointment was made at the ultrasound office and I went straight away.  I got to have a vaginal ultrasound... that is as appealing as it sounds, and I wont go into detail, but I'm sure you get the idea.  The lady giving the ultrasound was searching, and searching.... then she found it, my sweet little 6 week old baby with a heartbeat.  My dates were a little off.  I was so relieved to see that little heartbeat!  And after that (and after I got my pills) I knew that I could do this pregnancy.

  So weeks went by and I felt better almost everyday, although I still needed about 1/4 of a pill to keep my food down.  I was tired and could barely keep up with my sweet Elizabeth but each day was getting easier.  I had my next appointment at 10 weeks.  I remember getting in the car and turning on Taylor Swift and thinking "this baby is going to like Taylor Swift, I just know it."  Eric followed me so he could watch Elizabeth for the appointment but he had to leave straight from there to go to work.  Then came the time to hear the heartbeat, I was so excited because I knew it would not be as hard as last time to find it.  But then, no heartbeat.  Eric had to leave before my appointment was over and I was so stressed out to try to deal with this whole process all over again with Elizabeth (looking back, I am glad I had her there, she is a good little band-aid).  My doctor told me before I left to go to my ultrasound appointment that the last ultrasound said that the baby's heartbeat was 103 bpm, and that normally it is somewhere around 150-160, and basically she was preparing me for the hard news I would be receiving just an hour later.  I called my mother and I cried, I knew that this wasn't good, I kept telling myself that I needed to be strong for Elizabeth.  My mother was so upset that there was not going to be anyone with me, but as we were talking my grandmother called me (whom I had called a little before hand to tell her I would be late to visit her) and told me that she was going to meet me for my ultrasound.  I told her I would be okay, but she insisted and I felt a relief come over me because I didn't have to do it alone.  Laying on that ultrasound table I saw the bad news before she told me.  I knew what to look for, and I didn't see it.  Then she said the words and I felt the tears welling up.  My grandma held Elizabeth in the room, and Elizabeth kept asking about the baby in my tummy, and she asked if the baby was going to come out.  I didn't know what to say, so I didn't really talk about it, I just tried to talk about other things with her. 

After, I was told to go back to my doctors and they would talk to me about my options.  So Elizabeth and I went together.  Walking back into the doctors office I felt numb.  I saw the obviously pregnant women in the office and I tried not to be upset that I would not look like them in a few months.  My midwife then explained that I could have a surgery to remove the baby, wait it out for things to happen naturally, or take pills to move the process along.  I decided to wait for things to happen naturally.  When we were at the ultrasound they told me that the baby died somewhere around 6 weeks.  It had already been 4 weeks so I figured things would happen soon.  I was afraid to live my normal life because I didn't want to be out and about when things started to happen.  I waited, nothing happened.  I was still sick and throwing up on occasion but needed a lot less of my medication.  But throwing up when you are pregnant with a healthy baby is a lot different than when you know your baby is gone.  Two long weeks went by and I could not do it any longer, it was too sad.  The baby had passed away 6 weeks prior and my body still wasn't figuring it out.  I read about a possible risk of infection if a dead baby is not removed soon enough which could result in future infertility.  I called my midwife and got the pills to help things move along. 

It felt horrible to take those pills.  I kept myself busy by cleaning and making a dinner of dill lemon salmon with forbidden rice and peas.  I didn't want to think about what was happening, plus Eric was at work and I didn't want Elizabeth to be concerned (she is really good at reading me).   Then the contractions happened, yes, contractions... plus cramping.  It was like labor but with no breaks in between the contractions.  My midwife had prescribed some sort of hard core pain killer to take, but I didn't even pick it up from the pharmacy.  I was planing a natural drug free hypnobirth with this baby and I wasn't going to do it differently just because he/she passed away.  I sang Elizabeth to sleep while the contractions got worse and worse.  I was so thankful she was asleep when the worst of it began.  After she was asleep I went out to the kitchen to do dishes and I leaned over during a contraction and felt a pop.  When that happened I lost it, I cried and I couldn't believe how powerful the emotions were that came up.  I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I had a perfectly healthy strong beautiful baby girl just 2 1/2 years ago. 
  I wont go into detail about the whole process, there are plenty of websites that do that.  But I will say I cried and cried when it first started happening.  I had to use some of my birthing techniques to deal with the pain.  Then it was over, and just like 2 weeks prior I felt empty and numb again.  I wanted to be by myself.  Eric brought me flowers and I was so thankful to have a little bit of colorful nature in the house.  It took a while for me to be able to listen to Taylor Swift again, it made me sad.  I wasn't myself for a while, and actually I am just starting to feel okay again.  I remember one night crying and praying that I could feel comforted, I thought about Christ and all that He went through, the thought of Him going through that kind of pain, but for EVERYONE overwhelmed me.  I cried even harder, but it was because I knew I wasn't alone anymore.  I felt loved and watched over, and I knew that if He was there with me He would have held me and cried with me.  I was so thankful at that time to know what I know, to have someone out there who knows me and loves me.  I don't know what will happen to my baby that I lost, but I do know that everything will be worked out in the end.  I am going to bury our little baby and plant a tree to remember.  I saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, and to me it was my baby no matter how far along I was.
   I still get sad from time to time and I am accepting the feelings I feel, I can grieve and it is okay.  I know time will heal but I'll always remember.  I love my family so much, they have been so kind and loving and willing to listen.  My sweet Elizabeth fills me with joy each and every day, I snuggle with her while she falls asleep at night and everything just feels alright.  Eric has been so patient and kind and although we deal with the pain of loss differently he has supported me and given me space and love.  I know that healing comes through faith in Christ.  I know that I can be strong.   Love you all!
Renee