Once upon a time, before bills to pay, a husband, baby, college, even graduation from High School, I had my first love. I was an insecure Junior in High School hanging out with my best girl friends and doing goofy things. Trying to be loved and accepted by others. Trying to do the best I could in school and life in general. I was the football manager for the High School team and loved it, the coach was my favorite teacher Mr. McDicken. The guys treated me great and I loved the attention and the opportunity to be behind the scenes, listening to all the pep talks and being at all the practices. I would hang out with my best friends Bekah and Shelly on most days at school. I couldn't wait for basketball season to start. I had some crushes on some of the guys on the Football team (what girl doesn't?) But because of my insecuritys I never thought any of them would like me. I had a crush on Nick Novak the year before, and it just really didn't seem like we were ever going to go out (although I would have liked to).It all started in writing class. We were assigned our seats by our last names. There was a boy who I had never really talked to much who was assigned the seat behind me. He was annoying and obnoxious. Always bugging me and getting me into trouble. His name was Keith. He would poke my back with his pencil or pull little strands of my hair enough times that I would turn around and tell him to "cut it out!" Of course the teacher would then say "Renee, is there anything you would like to share with the class?" Me, being the student who always tried to have straight A's and never cause an issue would always be so embarrased. Well, as time progressed I would start to laugh at his jokes, and find him quite interesting. He never really seemed to have any drive to do anything but make people laugh, and be a disruption in class. Then he started hanging around when I would be getting things ready for the football team. We would talk and walk together, and got to know each other a little. I found myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. Then we became inseparable. We started seeing each other and spending all of our time at school together. Our first kiss was in Mr. Rudds US History class. We never wanted to be apart. We had a journal that we would write in to each other almost every night, then give it back to the other the next day. We would talk on the phone. My life revolved around this boy, a boy who didn't get very good grades and was the class clown. Needless to say my mother didn't much approve. She could tell we were pretty serious, and I think she knew me better than I knew myself at the time. She knew I needed (and liked) a little more structure and balance and goals in my life. She could also tell when I fell in love with Keith. I remember her asking me one day in the car if I loved him. I was really private about it in a way because I didn't want her to tell me how I could do so much better (which she would, on occasion tell me.) I never listened though. He was there with me when I went through some of my most stressful moments in school. Like, when I got stress fractures in my ankles and wasn't able to play basketball for the rest of the season. He was there when I went for vice president and lost to a guy on the football team (which crushed me by the way.) He even dug through the trash to find my retainer one day when I had accidentally thrown it away at lunch with my tray (I know that sounds funny, but it was really sweet. Especially since the whole time he was digging for it people were saying really rude things to him.)
He would always be to school early, and because of seminary I would get there soon after him. He would always race to the door of the common room when he would see me come in, pick me up, twirl me around and kiss me. Sometimes he would give me a freshly picked flower (who knows where they came from.lol.) But he was romantic, and thoughtful, and not like most guys a girl would date in High School. My world revolved around him and I began to be scared that I wouldn't know what to do if we ever broke up.
A little more background on the relationship is that I was (and still am) very faithful to my religion. I believe in marriage in a Temple for eternity. I wanted that since I was a little girl and made that known to this boy who I loved so much. He would go to church with me and seemed genuinely interested. He talked about getting baptised and I was so excited I could hardly stand it. Apparently his parents were not as excited and told him that if he joined the church he would be kicked out of the house. We figured it was just a little set back, no problem. When he turns 18 he can join and then we can get married. We went to prom that year and had a great time together. The school year ended and I was going to be moving to Coeur d alene before my senior year of school started (we were determined to stay together through all of this.) That July him and I and his family were going to go on a vacation together. A couple of days before my mom told me that she didn't think it was a good idea, and that I was not going to be joining them after all. I was devastated and very upset with my mother for this. I cried and cried, asked her to change her mind. But she said "I just have a bad feeling about it." (this is all long distance by the way, my family was already moved to CDA and I was living with my grandma for the summer so I could be with Keith.) I respected my mother and her feelings and knew that she was probably right (for what reason, I didn't know.) While he was away on his trip we didn't get to talk much, reception was bad there and he didn't have his own cell phone so he had to borrow his family's. On the 4th of July I got a call that was especially upsetting. He said not to worry, but when he got home, we needed to have a talk. "Great" I thought. A talk, just what I need. My boyfriend to break up with me right before I move to a brand new school. I felt sick to my stomach for the remainder of the days that he was gone and my poor grandmother had to deal with me moping around the house. Then I got the phone call that he was home and that he wanted to see me. A mixture of butterflies and a stomach ache consumed me. But I dressed as cute as I could, cause if he was dumping me, I wasn't going to be looking worn down and sad. I got to his house and we decided to go for a drive. We parked a little ways down outside of his neighborhood. He then told me that he talked with his family, and he decided that he would never join the church that I belonged to. He then told me that he still wanted to be with me though, but that he would not be participating in anything to do with my faith. I was crushed, in fact, I was beyond crushed. I knew that I would have to end the relationship. Things I wanted my whole life, things I believed since I was a little girl, I would have to give them up if I stayed with Keith. I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life (at that point in life.) I told him that I couldn't be with him then.
We both cried and cried, he wanted to change my mind, but deep down I think he knew he couldn't. I went home that night and called my mom sobbing. She told me she would pick me up that weekend and drive me to my new "home." I was devastated, I couldn't eat or sleep. I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Both Keith and his friend Caleb came to visit me, I guess they had found out I wasn't doing very well. They tried to get me to eat some macaroni and cheese. I could barely eat a few bites. There were a few other things that happened and times that I saw him before I left, they both ended in tears and me wondering if I would ever be happy again.
I quit my job at albertsons and my mother picked me up just like she said. I made my family listen to Backstreet boys the whole way to CDA. I remember telling my mom that they were like substitute boyfriends.
Fast foreword a few weeks I had made a new best friend, her name was Richelle. We hit it off at girls camp and I was so thankful to have met such a good friend at a time when I needed it most. I couldn't look at anything the same though for a while. There were very sweet, good looking guys who asked me out on dates. I would go, but the whole time I would be thinking about how much I missed Keith. I would call Keith once in a while, but he wouldn't ever answer. One day his mother answered and sounded really sad. She told me that Keith cant talk to me because he isn't doing very well. I asked her if he will ever talk to me again, and she said that he would, but he just needed time. He needed time, and I just wanted to talk to my ex best friend. Looking back now, I am glad he did it. I was able to heal a little faster I think because of that. Time went by and I spent a lot of time with Richelle and other friends. We had a blast and I joined the cross country team (best thing I could have done for myself!) That winter I got news that Keith was going to get baptized. I was shocked! I thought I had moved on, but then he sent me our old journal with a new message in it for me and I felt things I had not felt in a long time. I felt scared, excited, and lots of other things. We ended up going to prom that year together and it was fantastic. He treated me like a princess. But something inside of me was distant. I think because I felt so hurt before, and felt everything crash around me because of him I couldn't open my heart all the way back to him.
Its funny to look back now at that experience. I have had times when I think about him. He called me the day before I got married and it made me extremely upset with him. We hadn't talked in over a year and then he calls me the day before I get married? Who does that. But anyway, the point of this isn't to sound all "poor me, I lost my first love." The point is, I think these experiences in our lives are special and important. The other day on facebook I saw that he had asked his girlfriend of 4 years (I think) to marry him. At first I was shocked, and I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I felt guilty for feeling this way too, because obviously I had moved on, found my wonderful husband who I love so much, and started a beautiful life and family with him. I felt upset with myself for feeling that I was wronged because he had asked someone to marry him. How selfish and weird. I texted my mom and she told me I was not crazy and that its normal to feel that way. Well, a couple days have passed, and I don't feel like I felt when I first heard the news of his engagement. Now I feel relieved, happy, and excited. Now I know that he has obviously moved on, he has a wonderful future wife who will love him dearly. I am able to let go of any doubts that I had, or what ifs. I think deep down I have been hoping this day would come. I needed to know that he has found his someone else just like I found mine and that we are both happy.
First loves can teach us many lessons in life, for the good, or the bad. I think that we have an overwhelming ability to love as human beings. Having a child proves this. We will always have a special place in our hearts for those people who taught us how to love and made us feel a little more comfortable in our skin. I want to tell my husband how much I dearly dearly love him and how thankful I am to have him, he is my first and only eternal love. He is the person I am so glad I will be sharing eternity with. Although bills to pay, children sleeping in our bed, and school, doesn't sound all that romantic (or perfect) I wouldn't have it any other way. I figure this first love experience I had will prepare me to be able to comfort my little girls tears when and if their first loves break their heart.
TTFN
Renee
Love this!
ReplyDelete